Remember those days when you had a drawer-full of impossibly sexy lingerie that elicited an almost Pavlovian response from your hubby? And you could strut into any business meeting on any given day with the confidence that a full-night’s sleep can give you? Well, now a baby (or two or three!) are here and things are—how can I put it—just a little bit different? I know, I know … most days you’re feeling more Superwoman than Supermodel. And between breastfeeding and those business briefs, your time with your hubby has gone the way of Santa Clause and Easter Bunny…as in, it’s mainly something you want to believe in but, at this point, exists largely in your imagination.
Sex is often the most vulnerable part of a relationship, and it can disappear in a flash (like I have to tell you that). Lighting up your libido may take a bit more work and planning than you’re used to, but the payoff is huge, and not just from a sexual perspective. Feeling close physically has a big payoff when it comes to emotional closeness as well. Here’s how to get back to hot-and-heavy heaven with your man:
1. Don’t stop believing… or talking: Be honest in addressing the changes in your relationship and encourage him to do the same. The worst thing you can do (and will put a huge amount of distance between you) is pretending that nothing has changed. It’s ok for both of you to express both disappointment and pleasure in the changes that parenthood has brought to your relationship.
2. Patience is a virtue, especially when it comes to your sex drive. Like any good parent, you’re both putting most of your energy into the child. Not only are the physical demands on your body taking your sex drive way down, but job pressures add another level of stress (and de-sexification) to your lives. Your libido will ebb and flow, and being in sync with each other’s sexual needs will falter more often now that you have kids. Give each other time and let each other know (often!) that you still feel sexually attracted toward one another, even if you’re too tired to act on it. Nothing lasts forever, including this dry spell… provided you reassure each other and stay connected.
3. Schedule sex. Scheduling time for romance and sex may seem hopefully unromantic and nowhere near spontaneous, but guess what? Like everything else on your to-do list, if you don’t plan for it, you just won’t make the time to do it. Start making it onto each other’s schedules as soon as possible because, remember—even a low flame can be resparked into a full-fledged fire. Not so once everything’s burned out and you’re only left with ashes.
4. Think quality, not quantity. Scheduling couple time will make both of you feel more loved, lusted after and connected. Accept that it may not be as often as you wish for now. But savor looking forward to that time together the way you did when you first met and may have only been able to steal away moments of time together.
